Release and Renewal

Release comes in many forms. I have been going through this process sometimes very confident and other times just all over the place.  I am the nurturing type especially with the men in my life.  I am always concerned about if they need anything be it love, conversation or just support in general. Sometimes it seems like I am pouring all of who I am into this sea of what is but I’ve never been sure if it’s really made a difference.  The ocean is so big so my cup of who I am seems so small in comparison, it hard to know if I’m making any waves or having any real impact. But today something different happened to my view. I randomly reached out to my brother.  We don’t talk every day sometimes we can go months without talking. It’s not because there is any reason, we are both just living life. He in his world and me in mine. So when we do talk it’s usually to catch up on what has happened since our last conversation. We both are somewhat private people and we’ve never been overly affectionate with each other. I’ve noticed in the last few years that our relationship has shifted and especially in the last six months. In a good way.  I’ve been able to share with him some of my spiritual experiences and he’s definitely been intrigued by it. So the first thing he asks is if I had gotten any messages for him. And I’m like no and I tell him a little bit about what has been happening and how some of my memory is coming back. ( If I hadn’t mentioned this before for some reason I can’t remember anything that happened between the age of 6-12. I literally blocked out a time period in my life).  So at the end of the conversation he says regardless as to what anyone thinks I believe you and I support you. And that statement made me feel very emotional.  It allowed me to let go of some of the things I’ve been trying to work through.  I felt a renewed since of acceptance and validation. His comment made me pause for a moment and it helped to restore my faith in men, family and in people in general.  I feel like I am going in the right direction and I feel a sense of peace.

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Training Wheels: No Hands

I feel like every few days I’m having a moment of clarity about my life.  Today is no different.  Lately I been riding through life with my training wheels on.  For awhile I had taken them off.  But anyone who has ever rode a bike and fallen off of it has contemplated putting the kiddie wheels back on.  You just know you don’t want to fall like that again.  The impact was too much and too traumatic.  You want to know there is something there to catch you. I equate my life to that bike.

I’m in my early 30s.  As mentioned before I been divorced for a couple of years.  Anybody who has divorced probably can understand why I put my training wheels back on my bike. When the life you know is flipped upside down you are likely to walk away thinking I’m not doing that again.

For awhile I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to get back on the bike at all but I did.  I started to put my life back together.  I met a person that I care about a lot.  But the plot thickens.  My love decided to move to the other end of the country and I’ve struggled with his decision from a selfish point.  I mean I want him here with me, who wouldn’t. What I admire about his decision is his willingness to throw caution in the wind and just do it.  He is following the voice within and taking a chance to experience something different. His decision made me exam my own life. I remember a time when I was once like him, throwing caution into the wind riding my bike in the street, down the hill and feeling the wind blow in my hair. However, after I fell off my bike I became a more conservative, fearful and doubting version of who I was. Life in a sense is meant to be experienced, touched, tasted and seen. 

I decided to use his decision as a moment of inspiration for my own life. I decided to change, to step out completely and take the damn training wheels off. I am even taking my hands off the handle bars. I am throwing all these beliefs and there are a lot of them out the window to go further into a space living, dreaming and loving heart open with no fear. I even started honing in on realizing my purpose or at least finding a new purpose.  I made a list of all my old dreams, ones I thought I was too old to pursue.  One of which is to be a writer which is why I am here now.  Every day I want to find a way to follow and refine my purpose here. This time I’m throwing the wheels in the trash because I doubt that I will need them again…

As confirmation I got the following message this morning.

You learned how to define a part of who you were by being half of a couple.  That was a part of your identity for nine years. Without it you will have to continuously define who you are and what you want. Even in a union you have to define who you are and what you want. You can’t be troubled because another person has decided to define who they are through what they do, it really wasn’t about that job. The job was the draw but there is something else that will happen for him there. At this point it’s unclear if you will be a part of that or not but what you did today was begin the release process on both sides. When you allow the universe to flow and fix the other parts then what you need will be in front of you, it’s always been there you’ve just had your blinders on. What you need will not come in the form of another person, mate or companionship, it will come as something else and you will recognize it when you see it. This is growth, being a certain age does not mean maturity, life is over or any of the things you have associated with your age. Learning and growing is continuous when you stop a part of you will stop living and loving. To love is to live and to do it freely is the gift that you give yourself not to someone else.