A Father’s Love

I never go home in December. I’m from the Midwest and the winters can be miserable. However, the potential of new life pulled me for my first December home in about 10 years. I left Atlanta excited and in great anticipation of what was to come. I fell in love with those first few days and then winter showed up both literally and figuratively. In the midst of my shifting mood, I decided to do what I had not intended which was go to my source. This trip wasn’t about seeing what already existed, in my mind it was about finding and creating new life. However, when things fall apart the source can be the light at the end of the tunnel.

When I arrived he was there alone. The source I refer to is my dad, the waters from which I came into physical form. One third of the equation so to speak. The Creator and my mother also had their hand in the pot. I honestly didn’t think anyone would be home so I was just planning to sit in my car. I had a lot on my mind.

I’ve always had a great relationship with my dad. He has taught me a lot about life, love and relationships. Once I seen his truck, I immediately got out of my car. We rarely got our time alone. Normally when I go home everyone is there. My dad has had an interesting life and has always taken a special interest in sharing his story with me. I still remember our rides in the car. It would be only us and I don’t think we had a true destination but the conversation was always fascinating. I still quote some of his best advice.

A woman with no man, can never tell a woman with a man how to have a man.

Stay focused on your education because the same men you see today will still be around after you take care of that.

You probably will meet hundreds of men in your lifetime so don’t get caught up with the first one you meet.

He always talked in riddles but I was quick on my feet in the translation department. I listened with my soul and I understood in my heart that he was warning me about being derailed from my path too early in life. He had high hopes for me and saw pieces of himself in me. He made a lot of mistakes but those moments in the car was his opportunity to rewrite his future (me). He was always very candid about his mistakes and he didn’t want me to leave his home without knowing how the world might be once I faced it on my own. I learned from him the value of a man and how I could create healthy relationships with men without feeling the need to take off my clothes in return. A great relationship with your father teaches you that you have more to offer to the world than just your physical form. I learned to rely on my intuition but also on my bullshit barometer. He taught me to look for motives and I learned on my own how to combine the two theories. Blind faith with a keen eye for bullshit. I became a silent observer of people but I also learned to call people on their bullshit (from my mom of course). It doesn’t take long for me to figure most people out but I learned from him to allow people to reveal themselves to you as well. ‘Once you know what you are dealing with then you can respond accordingly.’ My translation of his life lessons.

As I’ve gotten older, I wondered away from him. The amazing thing about the source is they come to understand that your wondering will always lead you back home. So they just wait with open arms, prepared to dust you off, kiss you on the cheek and send you back out in the world. This time was no different. He spoke first and my eyes widened as he spoke about what was on my mind without me needing to verbalize it. At some point I realized he was being spoken through so I listened. We talked for two hours standing on opposite ends of the kitchen. My mother arrived about an hour in but she must have recognized the sacredness of that moment and she allowed us to continue. That day my father said everything I needed to hear. It dawned on me that he knew me in a way most people will never get to know me. We are forever bonded in a way that words can never express.

As I returned back to warmer climates I realized that I still need my father. I also know we are never far apart. Your source will always know exactly what you need. Sometimes they are just waiting for you to ask….

Peace and Blessings

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Resting For The New Year

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I’m pretty sure I have officially hit my burn out stride. This week has been intense on so many levels. My energy level been off and I’ve been feeling the need to bury myself under some covers with my feet up. I had a semi full schedule planned for this week. Yesterday I decided to cancel or reschedule most of my plans. Often times our bodies and minds will speak to us before we reach complete exhaustion. I’ve been so consumed with the upcoming year that I haven’t given myself much time to reflect on the closing days of the current year. I also started a short-term contract position which is further propelling this need for a disconnection from the real world.  So I apologize in advance for my shadiness in the coming days.

 

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On a brighter note, I decided to get back into ballet. Although I’m still at a beginners level, I felt like an old pro my first day back. Ms. Lauren, the instructor, yelled my name at the end of the class. She couldn’t believe I had returned. It’s been almost two years since she last seen me.  Ms. Lauren is my favorite instructor because she’s so patient and nurturing. I could feel her eyes from the front mirror checking my plie, a ballet posture where the dancer bends and straightens the knees with the heels together while the feet are turned out. I wasn’t even sure if she would remember me. It felt good to be back home. I have been feeling this overwhelming sense of bringing back some of my adventures from 2016. I spent a majority of 2016 taking horseback riding and ballet lessons. I felt very happy and centered that year. Those experiences actually pivoted me to find the courage in this year. I had no experience in either at the time. There is something about staring an 800-pound horse in the face and showing up to a class with no experience that teaches you really quick about courage and facing the unknown.

 

I was in such a good mood afterward so I stopped by my favorite bookstore on the way home and got much of the same response. The employees were happy to see me and wanted to know where I’d been. It felt good to be missed and to reconnect with old friends.

If I combine the best of both years and sprinkle in the newness of 2018 then the incoming year should be amazing. I deserve a streak of good years especially after recovering from a series of pretty tough ones. By the time I started this blog, I definitely had my share of heartbreak and disappointment. I open my arms to receiving more of the goodness that was intended for my life. The only caveat is I can only reach full capacity with some rest. So I’m figuratively canceling December with the intention of getting some rest over the next three weeks. My intention is to fill my days with self-care, meditation, reading, ballet and hopefully a little horseback riding if the weather permits.

 

Peace and Blessings