She just wanted to be accepted
Not really rejected
Its to be expected, some can’t respect it
She might be a bit eclectic
Everything moves inside like electric
Electrical current… flowing
Fleeing…not really bee-ing
From state of being to state of being
No beginning and damn sure no end in sight
No real worries for this night
Always ready to take flight or fight
Not much these days can dim her light
But she might hide her light
Get lit for a bit
Come back down for more shit
Still trying to fit
Fit leads to fits or fist
A need to loosen up her grip to get to the real gift
Gift of gab, life never drab
Move with more than enough pizzazz
As if she got a big ass
But if you look through the real glass
You’ll see more class
Maybe even look at your future through her past
On your way to your next class
This is the school of higher learning
Hard to tell why these lessons all burning
A hole her essence, maybe she’s missing the real lessons
Its got to be lessened
When will this mess end
Maybe she’ll make a quick dash
Sometimes her life moving too fast…
Or to slow…depending on which way you go
Especially if you want to know, f trying to grow
No need for no’s, only looking for go’s
No moving slow, she just trying to go with the real flow….
My only goal in life at this point is to be happy. I get asked often what’s my one, five-year plan for my life and career. Yet the question always draws a blank stare from me. My mind freezes and I start scrambling for a good enough response. Don’t get me wrong I’ve had goals in the past, something I’ve set to get to a certain point. Some goals I’ve met some I have not. I decided what I truly want has nothing to do with family, friends, career, wealth or objects. What I truly want at this point in my life is to be happy. It’s an internal thing. It’s a mental space that I find myself moving closer to everyday. Take for example right at this moment I’m sitting on a restaurant patio listening to corny classic rock yet I feel so happy and content. I’m not doing anything in particular except reading, grabbing a bite to eat, swatting flies and just enjoying the occasional breeze as it swings across my face. The sun is shining, the trees are green, the sky is blue sky and I am totally happy.
About a year ago I put a mantra above my bathroom mirror and it said “I CHOOSE HAPPINESS”. That mantra reminded me daily that not only could I choose how I respond in situations but I could choose what happens next in my life. The moment I plastered that mantra up is the same moment I took responsibility for my life. It’s also when happiness became my goal. When I was younger I thought everything outside of myself would lead to happiness. What I really needed was perspective and gratitude for what already existed in front of me.
Happiness means different things for different people. I find happiness in…
- a kind word (given or received)
- laughter (by myself and with family)
- peace of mind, no worries, no stress
- randomly jumping on a plane for a few moments of rest and relaxation
- sitting on the beach or next to water
- feeling the sun on my skin
- putting my feet in the grass
- seeing the beauty in my surroundings (people, places and things)
- loving myself and others around me
- freedom to choose… to be… exactly who I am, as I am…
- acceptance of all that can not be controlled, cajoled or conquered
So the next time I’m asked about my goals in life my response will be I choose happiness.
I feel like every few days I’m having a moment of clarity about my life. Today is no different. Lately I been riding through life with my training wheels on. For awhile I had taken them off. But anyone who has ever rode a bike and fallen off of it has contemplated putting the kiddie wheels back on. You just know you don’t want to fall like that again. The impact was too much and too traumatic. You want to know there is something there to catch you. I equate my life to that bike.
I’m in my early 30s. As mentioned before I been divorced for a couple of years. Anybody who has divorced probably can understand why I put my training wheels back on my bike. When the life you know is flipped upside down you are likely to walk away thinking I’m not doing that again.
For awhile I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to get back on the bike at all but I did. I started to put my life back together. I met a person that I care about a lot. But the plot thickens. My love decided to move to the other end of the country and I’ve struggled with his decision from a selfish point. I mean I want him here with me, who wouldn’t. What I admire about his decision is his willingness to throw caution in the wind and just do it. He is following the voice within and taking a chance to experience something different. His decision made me exam my own life. I remember a time when I was once like him, throwing caution into the wind riding my bike in the street, down the hill and feeling the wind blow in my hair. However, after I fell off my bike I became a more conservative, fearful and doubting version of who I was. Life in a sense is meant to be experienced, touched, tasted and seen.
I decided to use his decision as a moment of inspiration for my own life. I decided to change, to step out completely and take the damn training wheels off. I am even taking my hands off the handle bars. I am throwing all these beliefs and there are a lot of them out the window to go further into a space living, dreaming and loving heart open with no fear. I even started honing in on realizing my purpose or at least finding a new purpose. I made a list of all my old dreams, ones I thought I was too old to pursue. One of which is to be a writer which is why I am here now. Every day I want to find a way to follow and refine my purpose here. This time I’m throwing the wheels in the trash because I doubt that I will need them again…
As confirmation I got the following message this morning.
You learned how to define a part of who you were by being half of a couple. That was a part of your identity for nine years. Without it you will have to continuously define who you are and what you want. Even in a union you have to define who you are and what you want. You can’t be troubled because another person has decided to define who they are through what they do, it really wasn’t about that job. The job was the draw but there is something else that will happen for him there. At this point it’s unclear if you will be a part of that or not but what you did today was begin the release process on both sides. When you allow the universe to flow and fix the other parts then what you need will be in front of you, it’s always been there you’ve just had your blinders on. What you need will not come in the form of another person, mate or companionship, it will come as something else and you will recognize it when you see it. This is growth, being a certain age does not mean maturity, life is over or any of the things you have associated with your age. Learning and growing is continuous when you stop a part of you will stop living and loving. To love is to live and to do it freely is the gift that you give yourself not to someone else.
I am not much of an artist in this life but I dabble with paint and markers on occasion. A few months ago I felt inspired to draw this picture I’ll call becoming the child. I didn’t understand it at the time but it’s been sitting on my nightstand for a while.
I love kids and I have a lot of them. Well actually I have not given birth to any of them but I feel like I did, like they are a part of my permanent family. One of the kids is a ten-year old girl who I’ve been mentoring for about a year. After months of begging on her part I decided to take her to the water park. She’s only ten but I feel like I always have to barter with her on what we are going to do next. She really wanted Six Flags but I got a weak stomach and roller coasters are not my friend. So I got her to settle for the water park instead.
As soon as she got in my car she was on ten. She smiled, she screamed and talked really fast and I hadn’t even started up the car yet. She was so excited that I got excited just by listening to her. I suddenly remembered being ten. It took me back to a place when I was her age and I was in the car on my way to Six Flags with my siblings and parents. I imagined how the night before she probably couldn’t sleep. And how she’d probably been up since dawn fully dressed just waiting for my car to pull up. And then I remembered the picture and decided I would really share in this day with her. So I let go of my ‘hey I’m adult look at me, do as I say’ and I started to mirror her. We giggled, we talked about the rides we’d get on. We stopped at the gas station and bought cookies and chips to eat on the way (it’s only a 20 minute ride). She made me stop so we could get matching gargles. Of course they didn’t have any my little mermaids in my size but we sure did look for them. We rode rides, floated along the lazy river, we had a great time. Every time I even thought about getting stern with her I’d visualize my little picture. This picture helped me to remember why it was ok to become more like a child. In fact we all could learn how to be a little more loving, innocent, giving, creative, joyous, imaginative and carefree. Being all those things allows you to slow down and to enjoy just being…no cares, no bills, no relationship, no pressure… just fun. Sometimes it’s hard to remember what it was like to be a kid but on that day I remembered. And I want to keep remembering…
You can’t really began to cultivate your relationships with other people until you cultivate the relationship with yourself. Prior to that you are only giving a small piece of who you are to other people. Today I am learning to self-love. I always thought I loved myself but this is to a whole new extreme. It feels different. Today loving myself means acknowledgement, acceptance, appreciation and approval of my physical and spiritual. It is not necessary to look at myself in the mirror to point out that my stomach could be flatter, my ass could be bigger or my breast could use a lift. It is no longer necessary to think my hair could be longer and fuller or that my skin could be clearer. Today I saw the beauty of what’s already here and what’s always been with me. And for once I just walked around my house in a meditative state naked and vulnerable. Yet I felt a wholeness. A love that I hadn’t felt for myself in a while or maybe ever. So today I send gratitude to the universe for allowing me to see myself as I am, perfected and here in this life with this vehicle and vessel as it was intended to be.
I got some abandonment issues I never knew exactly why. On the surface I seem fine. My parents have been married for almost 40 years. No one of significance really left my life permanently or made me feel extremely rejected. All the things you would on surface think that would cause abandonment issues I could not identify with. What played on in my own life right before I divorced my ex was this strong feeling of abandonment. I went into the relationship with that issue and so to see it play out in real life was paralyzing. It was so strong that it felt real. It was betrayal and extreme panic mixed into one. The only way at the time I knew how to handle that feeling was to run as fast as I could in the opposite direction. It’s been a few years and I’ve long gotten passed why things didn’t work but that abandonment thing keeps bubbling to the surface.
I own a past life regression CD. I’ve used it over the last few months. It has been pretty insightful so I figured why not use it for this. At the beginning of the mediation I see myself in a hospital. Everything is white. A blond-haired nurse walks pass me with a chart in her hand. I see my spirit standing in the operating room. The year 1836 pops into my mind and the word German. I am not sure what the world German means at this time, is it the name of the hospital or is it my background. I’m not German in my present day life. On the table is my ex husband. He’s surrounded by doctors. They are operating on his heart. In the adjacent room I see myself in a physical body. I am in pain. I am unsure as to how this is going to turn out. I am crying. In the row behind me, my former mother in law is there too. She is his mother in both lives. I was also his wife in both lives. My awareness turns back to the operating room. I see his spirit get up from his body. He comes over to my spirit and we start to talk. We start to have conversations about the life we’ve had together. We are laughing and having a good time. No one else can see us. After some time the doctors give up, there is nothing else they can do to bring him back. My awareness turns back to the waiting room and what I feel from the physical version of me is pain. I feel abandoned. I feel like he left me here by myself, there is nothing to console me. We didn’t have any kids, he wasn’t suppose to leave me. In my mind it didn’t dawn on me that it was by design for him to go. He wouldn’t have left me by choice but our time on that plane at that time was complete. I continued that life feeling abandoned. I never remarried. Years later when his mom died, I began to relive the abandonment again.
Before you leave a regression you are asked to release it. Because of your awareness level, you can see the situation from a different set of eyes and understand that what you felt although real, the conclusion you might have come to at the time was not truth. In order to move forward in this life you can realign with the truth. So I began to pray and I used my conscious thoughts to make sense of the false imprint I’d been carrying for years and maybe even lifetimes. For the first time I honestly felt a weight lifted. I had at least one thing I could identify with as to why I had these feelings in my present life. I can’t guaranteed that my abandonment issues are gone but I definitely have gained another perspective on it.
As I’ve started the process of finding my own path I’ve stumbled from method to method trying to find my own magic. After months of trying I decided to get the advice of an experienced magician. I figured I could use some outside clarity on some things. A magician is a person who takes certain actions to produce a specific result. The magician uses all the tricks of his or her trade to produce that result. As I sat across the table from the magician I noticed something. He incorporated astrology, numerology, palmistry, tarot, past lives views as well as his own real life experiences. At that very moment it dawned on me, there is no right or wrong way. There is not one method to finding truth, you can use what feels most comfortable to you and develop more as you go along.
What I took away from this experience is the realization that what I have done so far I can use as a starting point. It’s my foundation, the ground work so to speak. Astrology was my first point of interest, it’s a system I’ve been able to use to help me understand myself and others. Tarot cards tap into a specific part of my psyche and it has created an internal dialogue through the use of symbols. I’ve gained the most information through dreams and mediation. Mediation slows my mind to a point where I am very receptive to messages and visions. My experiences are my contributions to consciousness.
I also came to terms with the fact that my purpose here is somewhat dual. There is a need to contribute to the overall state of consciousness as well as a need to understand myself. In order to be effective at this thing I’ve signed up for, I have to travel through the self. At times it seems like I am doing two different things at one time but they are connected. It’s has become very important for me to neutralize all things that can affect me in a way that causes separation. What the magician gave me was a look into what can become if I continue in my current state. But if I change my current state, I also change the rules. There is a need to understand what I am changing and why. This is the responsibility that comes with harnessing your magic. There will be someone to answer to at some point. But I try not to use that phrase as a limiting factor. The main thing at this point is to shed all limitations. We are born to make mistakes along the way but we all have a contract and a purpose so material manifestation should come second to it. This world is new to me but I understand some desires will naturally fall off while others will require more of my focus. I try to keep in mind the real intention of letting go of all blocks and focusing on my version of truth. No one else can choose your path for you, it’s all by design.
I wanted to start a blog about my life as it is today, as it was yesterday and as it will be in the future. It will mainly touch on my views of life in two worlds, the one that we know and the one that we don’t know. It’s a journey into discovering and defining my version of spirituality…finding my truth. There will be fiction, non fiction, poems, visions, dreams and all other thought forms that come to mind. Hopefully you will be able to relate to some of the content. I plan to keep a light and airy feel, something fun and exciting. So enjoy!