One face, many angles
Surrounded by many angels
Current mood… feeling tranquil
Found my peace and feeling thankful
I don’t always rely on logic. For at least a year I’ve had visions of horses. I’m not exactly sure of the connection but I’m familiar with the horse when she appears. Some days she’s white other days she’s brown with white spots. I let her lead me forward. I trust her senses.
My reality is slightly different from the visions. I found a place offering horseback riding lessons. It’s owned by a mother and daughter team. It’s fascinating to watch these women command the respect of these thousand pound powered animal. I love to watch them in motion from a distance.
Today was my first lesson. I was introduced to Sky a brown and white mare with blue eyes. Describing my initial feeling as nervous is an understatement. For the most part we cooperated. I say we because there was a need for me to work on my nervousness. Horse are sensitive and react to your energy. There is a trusting and bonding phase that must take place. She has to trust I won’t lead her into danger. I have to trust her intent is not to harm me.
Sky responded to my nervousness mainly by not stopping on command. She shook her head wildly which didn’t help. It just caused me to tighten up instead of being loose. Horses can feel the tension in your legs. Eventually she seemed cooperative and she allowed me to lead her somewhat. It did help that the owner was close by with a more commanding voice than my own along with reinforcement in the form of a whip. It’s a process. I’m sure this is leading somewhere. There is a connection between what I’ve seen prior to now and what I’m doing at the moment. I just can’t put my finger on it for now.
In 2015 you cannot be where people need you to be, you have to be where you are being positioned by God.
She just wanted to be accepted
Not really rejected
Its to be expected, some can’t respect it
She might be a bit eclectic
Everything moves inside like electric
Electrical current… flowing
Fleeing…not really bee-ing
From state of being to state of being
No beginning and damn sure no end in sight
No real worries for this night
Always ready to take flight or fight
Not much these days can dim her light
But she might hide her light
Get lit for a bit
Come back down for more shit
Still trying to fit
Fit leads to fits or fist
A need to loosen up her grip to get to the real gift
Gift of gab, life never drab
Move with more than enough pizzazz
As if she got a big ass
But if you look through the real glass
You’ll see more class
Maybe even look at your future through her past
On your way to your next class
This is the school of higher learning
Hard to tell why these lessons all burning
A hole her essence, maybe she’s missing the real lessons
Its got to be lessened
When will this mess end
Maybe she’ll make a quick dash
Sometimes her life moving too fast…
Or to slow…depending on which way you go
Especially if you want to know, f trying to grow
No need for no’s, only looking for go’s
No moving slow, she just trying to go with the real flow….
In retrospect I think tattoos are symbolic in nature. It’s a symbol of something that has meaning to you on a deeper level even if you don’t know why. You don’t just find an image and like it for the sake of liking it. After I made the decision to get a divorce I wanted to get a tattoo. I got the word LOVE tattooed on the back of my neck because I wanted to remember that no matter what happened next I would always have love and be loved. Love would always be with me in everything I did going forward. I didn’t understand why at the time but as I step further into who I am, I can see it more clearly. You never really lose love…people, places or things …sometimes you just forget where you left it. For me it’s always been within me I just had to remember. I found my love within myself that I was looking for in other things. Today I move forward in gratitude as I share it with others and help others remember too.
I’ve spent the last 35 years trying to convince other people I was good enough but today I convinced myself…
Written words can’t clearly express
The ideas I want to impress
A form of imprest, currency flowing inside of me
That currently hides for no one to see
With your love, grace and generosity
I hope to be, a new form of glee
Happiness for a gift, bestowed in me
Reawakened by ye, for all eyes to see
For a child must be
Forming with in me
Creatively adding a branch to my family’s tree
For all to see
Recreating, rebirthing spirit that has been here before
But still wishes to return for all to adore
Adorn, add a new sojourn
With a love and passion that forever burns
Here in love, poured in faith in more than one urn
With a grace to have one more turn
For all eyes to see
A partial creation by me
A place to add rest
Love expression finding a new address
The best gift you can give yourself is the gift of renewal and celebration. I am obviously going though the process of cleaning house so to speak. My goal for the last year has to be to heal in different areas of my life. A lot of things that have surfaced have been very insightful, amazing and at times confusing and painful. But I’ve come to a place that feels like its full circle at least in the current cycle of things. I’ve learned that my life is moving in continuous cycles kind of like being on water and feeling yourself float along with the current. I spend a lot of time in the water now. I’ve always been somewhat afraid of the water but ironically this year I actually learned how to swim. I’m not perfect but I’m comfortable in there but I can swim on my back with ease. This same water is what I consider to be a metaphor for the experiences I am having now. At first I was afraid of learning about the unknown part nervous about getting and in and seeing what was in there. But I’ve learned to become more comfortable with a few things. It is a work in progress but I’m proud of my attempts and I can honestly start to see the rewards after a year of hard work.
It came to me in passing to start cutting the cords for people in my life. Cutting cords in so many words is about getting rid of negative attachments in your life. So the more I thought about the concept the more I knew I needed to cut the cords on every relationship that I currently have been it in love, friendships and family. But not with the intent of getting rid of the people associated with the cords. I decided that as I have grown and become a new person, a more upgraded version of myself so it was time to upgrade my relationships. To give them a new start, to change the way I interact with the people I clearly love. To do it from a more loving, kinder and compassionate space of love from my highest good. I went into a mediation and I asked where do I start. The first person on the list was my mom. I love my mom but we’ve had an up and down relationship. It seemed right that I should start in this space with the person who gave life to me. I wrote a list of how our relationship currently is and how I would like to see it become. For three days I visualized my mom and releasing the negative attachments and experiences I’ve been holding on to as they relate to her. Honestly I felt a crap load worth of anger. On the third day I prayed asked for the assistance from my guides and angels. I cut the cords and I felt a rush of emotion and then a rush of relief. I realize this ceremony was symbolic. It didn’t mean that magically everything would change overnight for she and I, it just means that I have the power to start over with her. To respond differently to her, the goal wasn’t so much for her to change but for me to change. So I get it and I felt lighter and happier. I allowed that to sink in. Then I thought of my top 5 relationships and went through the same process over the next few days. It left me feeling amazing and at times overwhelmed. There was definitely a release of emotions on my end.
So a few days go by and I reached out to someone who didn’t answer and normally I would have felt bad and been thinking about it all night. This time something different happened. I first went into my usual negative thought pattern that I had with this person, then just stopped immediately and started visualizing the renewal I’d envisioned for us. Every time my mind would try to drift to the old thoughts I’d shift back to the visual until my fear and concern just drifted away. And when I least expected it the person responded and in a way that I didn’t expect. And I immediately went into a state of gratitude. Because this was my first real victory and spirit showed me a small piece of how things would manifest if I focus on the renewal. So with that I felt a need to celebrate and a need to share my experience.
Release comes in many forms. I have been going through this process sometimes very confident and other times just all over the place. I am the nurturing type especially with the men in my life. I am always concerned about if they need anything be it love, conversation or just support in general. Sometimes it seems like I am pouring all of who I am into this sea of what is but I’ve never been sure if it’s really made a difference. The ocean is so big so my cup of who I am seems so small in comparison, it hard to know if I’m making any waves or having any real impact. But today something different happened to my view. I randomly reached out to my brother. We don’t talk every day sometimes we can go months without talking. It’s not because there is any reason, we are both just living life. He in his world and me in mine. So when we do talk it’s usually to catch up on what has happened since our last conversation. We both are somewhat private people and we’ve never been overly affectionate with each other. I’ve noticed in the last few years that our relationship has shifted and especially in the last six months. In a good way. I’ve been able to share with him some of my spiritual experiences and he’s definitely been intrigued by it. So the first thing he asks is if I had gotten any messages for him. And I’m like no and I tell him a little bit about what has been happening and how some of my memory is coming back. ( If I hadn’t mentioned this before for some reason I can’t remember anything that happened between the age of 6-12. I literally blocked out a time period in my life). So at the end of the conversation he says regardless as to what anyone thinks I believe you and I support you. And that statement made me feel very emotional. It allowed me to let go of some of the things I’ve been trying to work through. I felt a renewed since of acceptance and validation. His comment made me pause for a moment and it helped to restore my faith in men, family and in people in general. I feel like I am going in the right direction and I feel a sense of peace.
I feel like every few days I’m having a moment of clarity about my life. Today is no different. Lately I been riding through life with my training wheels on. For awhile I had taken them off. But anyone who has ever rode a bike and fallen off of it has contemplated putting the kiddie wheels back on. You just know you don’t want to fall like that again. The impact was too much and too traumatic. You want to know there is something there to catch you. I equate my life to that bike.
I’m in my early 30s. As mentioned before I been divorced for a couple of years. Anybody who has divorced probably can understand why I put my training wheels back on my bike. When the life you know is flipped upside down you are likely to walk away thinking I’m not doing that again.
For awhile I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to get back on the bike at all but I did. I started to put my life back together. I met a person that I care about a lot. But the plot thickens. My love decided to move to the other end of the country and I’ve struggled with his decision from a selfish point. I mean I want him here with me, who wouldn’t. What I admire about his decision is his willingness to throw caution in the wind and just do it. He is following the voice within and taking a chance to experience something different. His decision made me exam my own life. I remember a time when I was once like him, throwing caution into the wind riding my bike in the street, down the hill and feeling the wind blow in my hair. However, after I fell off my bike I became a more conservative, fearful and doubting version of who I was. Life in a sense is meant to be experienced, touched, tasted and seen.
I decided to use his decision as a moment of inspiration for my own life. I decided to change, to step out completely and take the damn training wheels off. I am even taking my hands off the handle bars. I am throwing all these beliefs and there are a lot of them out the window to go further into a space living, dreaming and loving heart open with no fear. I even started honing in on realizing my purpose or at least finding a new purpose. I made a list of all my old dreams, ones I thought I was too old to pursue. One of which is to be a writer which is why I am here now. Every day I want to find a way to follow and refine my purpose here. This time I’m throwing the wheels in the trash because I doubt that I will need them again…
As confirmation I got the following message this morning.
You learned how to define a part of who you were by being half of a couple. That was a part of your identity for nine years. Without it you will have to continuously define who you are and what you want. Even in a union you have to define who you are and what you want. You can’t be troubled because another person has decided to define who they are through what they do, it really wasn’t about that job. The job was the draw but there is something else that will happen for him there. At this point it’s unclear if you will be a part of that or not but what you did today was begin the release process on both sides. When you allow the universe to flow and fix the other parts then what you need will be in front of you, it’s always been there you’ve just had your blinders on. What you need will not come in the form of another person, mate or companionship, it will come as something else and you will recognize it when you see it. This is growth, being a certain age does not mean maturity, life is over or any of the things you have associated with your age. Learning and growing is continuous when you stop a part of you will stop living and loving. To love is to live and to do it freely is the gift that you give yourself not to someone else.