I don’t always rely on logic.  For at least a year I’ve had visions of horses.  I’m not exactly sure of the connection but I’m familiar with the horse when she appears.  Some days she’s white other days she’s brown with white spots.  I let her lead me forward.  I trust her senses.
My reality is slightly different from the visions.  I found a place offering horseback riding lessons.  It’s owned by a mother and daughter team. It’s fascinating to watch these women command the respect of these thousand pound powered animal.  I love to watch them in motion from a distance.
Today was my first lesson.  I was introduced to Sky a brown and white mare with blue eyes.  Describing my initial feeling as nervous is an understatement.  For the most part we cooperated.  I say we because there was a need for me to work on my nervousness.  Horse are sensitive and react to your energy.  There is a trusting and bonding phase that must take place.  She has to trust I won’t lead her into danger.  I have to trust her intent is not to harm me.
Sky responded to my nervousness mainly by not stopping on command.  She shook her head wildly which didn’t help. It just caused me to tighten up instead of being loose.  Horses can feel the tension in your legs.  Eventually she seemed cooperative and she allowed me to lead her somewhat.  It did help that the owner was close by with a more commanding voice than my own along with reinforcement in the form of a whip.  It’s a process.  I’m sure this is leading somewhere.  There is a connection between what I’ve seen prior to now and what I’m doing at the moment.  I just can’t put my finger on it for now.

In 2015 you cannot be where people need you to be, you have to be where you are being positioned by God.

In retrospect I think tattoos are symbolic in nature. It’s a symbol of something that has meaning to you on a deeper level even if you don’t know why. You don’t just find an image and like it for the sake of liking it. After I made the decision to get a divorce I wanted to get a tattoo. I got the word LOVE tattooed on the back of my neck because I wanted to remember that no matter what happened next I would always have love and be loved. Love would always be with me in everything I did going forward. I didn’t understand why at the time but as I step further into who I am, I can see it more clearly. You never really lose love…people, places or things …sometimes you just forget where you left it. For me it’s always been within me I just had to remember. I found my love within myself that I was looking for in other things. Today I move forward in gratitude as I share it with others and help others remember too.

I’ve spent the last 35 years trying to convince other people I was good enough but today I convinced myself…

The best gift you can give yourself is the gift of renewal and celebration. I am obviously going though the process of cleaning house so to speak. My goal for the last year has to be to heal in different areas of my life.  A lot of things that have surfaced have been very insightful, amazing and at times confusing and painful.  But I’ve come to a place that feels like its full circle at least in the current cycle of things.  I’ve learned that my life is moving in continuous cycles kind of like being on water and feeling yourself float along with the current. I spend a lot of time in the water now. I’ve always been somewhat afraid of the water but ironically this year I actually learned how to swim. I’m not perfect but I’m comfortable in there but I can swim on my back with ease. This same water is what I consider to be a metaphor for the experiences I am having now. At first I was afraid of learning about the unknown part nervous about getting and in and seeing what was in there.  But I’ve learned to become more comfortable with a few things. It is a work in progress but I’m proud of my attempts and I can honestly start to see the rewards after a year of hard work.

It came to me in passing to start cutting the cords for people in my life. Cutting cords in so many words is about getting rid of negative attachments in your life. So the more I thought about the concept the more I knew I needed to cut the cords on every relationship that I currently have been it in love, friendships and family.  But not with the intent of getting rid of the people associated with the cords. I decided that as I have grown and become a new person, a more upgraded version of myself so it was time to upgrade my relationships. To give them a new start, to change the way I interact with the people I clearly love. To do it from a more loving, kinder and compassionate space of love from my highest good. I went into a mediation and I asked where do I start.  The first person on the list was my mom.  I love my mom but we’ve had an up and down relationship.  It seemed right that I should start in this space with the person who gave life to me. I wrote a list of how our relationship currently is and how I would like to see it become.  For three days I visualized my mom and releasing the negative attachments and experiences I’ve been holding on to as they relate to her. Honestly I felt a crap load worth of anger. On the third day I prayed asked for the assistance from my guides and angels. I cut the cords and I felt a rush of emotion and then a rush of relief. I realize this ceremony was symbolic. It didn’t mean that magically everything would change overnight for she and I, it just means that I have the power to start over with her. To respond differently to her,  the goal wasn’t so much for her to change but for me to change. So I get it and I felt lighter and happier. I allowed that to sink in.  Then I thought of my top 5 relationships and went through the same process over the next few days. It left me feeling amazing and at times overwhelmed.  There was definitely a release of emotions on my end.

So a few days go by and I reached out to someone who didn’t answer and normally I would have felt bad and been thinking about it all night. This time something different happened. I first went into my usual negative thought pattern that I had with this person, then just stopped immediately and started visualizing the renewal I’d envisioned for us. Every time my mind would try to drift to the old thoughts I’d shift back to the visual until my fear and concern just drifted away. And when I least expected it the person responded and in a way that I didn’t expect. And I immediately went into a state of gratitude. Because this was my first real victory and spirit showed me a small piece of how things would manifest if I focus on the renewal.  So with that I felt a need to celebrate and a need to share my experience.

Release comes in many forms. I have been going through this process sometimes very confident and other times just all over the place.  I am the nurturing type especially with the men in my life.  I am always concerned about if they need anything be it love, conversation or just support in general. Sometimes it seems like I am pouring all of who I am into this sea of what is but I’ve never been sure if it’s really made a difference.  The ocean is so big so my cup of who I am seems so small in comparison, it hard to know if I’m making any waves or having any real impact. But today something different happened to my view. I randomly reached out to my brother.  We don’t talk every day sometimes we can go months without talking. It’s not because there is any reason, we are both just living life. He in his world and me in mine. So when we do talk it’s usually to catch up on what has happened since our last conversation. We both are somewhat private people and we’ve never been overly affectionate with each other. I’ve noticed in the last few years that our relationship has shifted and especially in the last six months. In a good way.  I’ve been able to share with him some of my spiritual experiences and he’s definitely been intrigued by it. So the first thing he asks is if I had gotten any messages for him. And I’m like no and I tell him a little bit about what has been happening and how some of my memory is coming back. ( If I hadn’t mentioned this before for some reason I can’t remember anything that happened between the age of 6-12. I literally blocked out a time period in my life).  So at the end of the conversation he says regardless as to what anyone thinks I believe you and I support you. And that statement made me feel very emotional.  It allowed me to let go of some of the things I’ve been trying to work through.  I felt a renewed since of acceptance and validation. His comment made me pause for a moment and it helped to restore my faith in men, family and in people in general.  I feel like I am going in the right direction and I feel a sense of peace.