There comes a moment in time when the old you has to face the new you.
I am thankful for being shown spiritually how I show up in relationships with other people. I noticed that every insecurity from every failed friendship and relationship still exist somewhere in my energy field. It’s that dull cloud that hovers over you, but you don’t notice until it raises to the surface. As I enter new territory in life and love I have been noticing this insecurity bubbling to the surface. It comes from a very self-serving space. One totally absorbed in its own want. In the past, I’ve allowed it to grow to an unmanageable size and allowed it to validate my need for building walls and putting more barriers between myself, loved ones and the outside world.
There is this saying that we get stuck at a certain age in our childhood. So even as an adult when things don’t go our way, we react in the way we would at that age. It’s our inner child, the piece of us that learned how to interact with people around us. In a perfect world, what we internalized as children revolved around a perfect sense of who we are with healthy boundaries and examples to validate that. Unfortunately, that is not always the case and a lot of people are walking around with an unhealed sense of who they are and how they fit in the world. Relationships are a perfect reflection of where we stand and what else needs to be done for us to find balance.
Don’t get me wrong I’ve done all my homework and I’ve prayed to be in a space where I can attract the most loving and healthy relationships to me. I often speak freely about my time with a therapist because it was eye-opening and I walked away with a new perspective on how to manage my fears. However, what I’m noticing is remnants of the unhealed version of my inner child. It’s a version of myself that is scared, ridiculously demanding and unreasonable. I also know the only way to resolve what I feel is to confront it head on so that I can show up as a holistically healed, open, and available woman. I am responsible for making a conscious decision on how I want to show up in life and relationships.
I’m discussing myself in split terms to make my point. The truth is there is always a conscious and unconscious part of ourselves interacting with the world around us. The conscious is clearly those characteristics that we own and know to be true about ourselves. Whereas the unconscious is those patterns that we haven’t identified with or those characteristics that others use to describe us in the heat of the moment. For example, if enough people say you are selfish or inconsiderate it might be worth at least taking a moment to reflect what actions are creating that response. Always pay attention to the source because some people use derogatory terms as a form of manipulation. Once you’ve validated the source, then take a moment to determine if it applies. Acknowledgement is always the first step in healing. For example, hi my name is Tiffanie and I can be an asshole when things don’t go according to how I see them in my head. Now that I’ve acknowledged it, I can put it in perspective to see if my reaction is necessary. I can dig into what triggers my response and come up with solutions to resolve it. I can then take it one step further by verbalizing how I feel and releasing my attachment to the other person’s response. It is a necessary act of self-kindness and self-love. My journey into happiness includes a happy and healed inner child.
Peace & Blessings
Recently I have been in contact with someone from the distant past. Some things have surfaced as a reminder to remain consciously curious and vigilant about not allowing past experiences to take the fun out of getting to know someone. Experience has taught me to initially keep my guard up and look for a motive. As I observe my interaction with this person, my normal response seems to be nonexistent as if the guards have somehow gone on lunch break. I find myself tilting my head to the side with conscious curiosity as I try to figure that one out. Conscious curiosity means I slow down long enough to observe my own words, thoughts, and interactions in each situation.
Spirituality has taught me
- There is no such thing as coincidence. People appear for a reason, a season or lifetime. I do believe there is a storyline (purpose) that we agreed to prior to coming here. I also believe part of the journey is discovering or reconnecting with that purpose. The people who appear can either take you closer or further away from your purpose and it’s up to us to stay attuned to who is who. It is up to us to ask the question, what am I supposed to learn from this person? I don’t think everyone you meet you are supposed to continue with. I can call to memory at least one lesson from every major relationship I’ve had with other people.
- Change only comes from awareness. It’s hard to change what you don’t know exist. For years I walked around in a cloud, a protective cloud of ignorance. It was the best thing for me at the time. Some days I wish I could go back to my blissful ignorance, but you can’t make yourself unconscious. You can ignore your conscious, but I’ve learned it only creates conflict that shows up as stress and sleepless nights. I know there are patterns I have repeated and roles in relationships that I have agreed to with my silence. While I have no regrets, I also know that it’s now my responsibility to make different choices in relationships. I have this 60-day rule. The guardian’s post. Where I don’t let an inch of my guard down until I can gauge your intention. Once I know it, even if I don’t like it I know how to handle the situation. I know what category to place the individual in. I never really named them before but I’ll label them as follows; potential, friend zone and not an option. About 80% end up in ‘not an option’. 19% in the ‘friend zone’ and a small 1% end up in ‘potential’. That means if I meet 100 people only 1 I will consider true potential. On occasion, friend zone occupants can make a leap to potential but sometimes the conversion is rocky. The catch is friend zoned is a necessary evil. It’s rare that upon first introductions you go to the top-tier. Some see friend zone as the death zone but that’s not always the case with me. ‘Friend zone’ is where I go to make an assessment of your character and true potential.
- Experience stifles possibility. Sometimes our experiences can leave such a negative imprint that we vow to never repeat. The only catch to that is, it requires us to block all potential. People can show up with really no agenda other than to love you completely. However, pain from the past or an attachment to the possibility of pain can stand in the way. We stop allowing the impossible to be possible. If I can’t authentically communicate what I need, then I run the risk of never allowing another to step up to meet the need. When I can’t authentically be myself, it’s hard for me to stay engaged with another because I’m always hiding a part of myself. This is where prayer and meditation have been my ally. Conscious curiosity has become my state of mind.
The last six months I’ve seen glimpses of past experiences as well as the potential for the future. Some experiences were definite deal breakers while others opened my eyes to new possibilities. I trust that my sacred prayers are being received by the universe and each experience is my confirmation.
Peace and Blessings
We do not achieve self control through the suppression of our emotions, but by being mindful of them and taking seriously the information they convey.. This inner space allows us the wisdom to act upon feelings conducive to our well being and not act upon those harmful to it. The feeling that ultimately comes to occupy this space is a deep and abiding peace. Such peace is the emotional reward of a spiritual life – Thomas Schenk
Emotions are friendly messages from your inner world. During a conversation I became extremely emotional about feeling burdened by family ties. The burden of unwanted expectations and manipulation. It’s almost like I reverted back to an old thought process of ‘if I am taking care of everyone’s else’s needs, who is going to take care of me’. My anger felt fueled by another’s attempt to get me to see it another way but instead of compassion I felt more anger. I felt a need to defend my stance to make clear that nobody’s opinion would sway my own.
To feel bound by the expectations of another is not always easy to shake especially when you are being constantly reminded of it. My response to it is my line in the sand. It creates a boundary that makes it clear where I stand. It provides clarity and consistency. A softer response doesn’t get the same reaction as a passionate hell no. A softer response equates to death to self. Often we are taught to sacrifice who we are for the unhealthy codependent needs of another. There is nothing spiritually, mentally or socially healthy or acceptable about these demands. The demands of others often cut off your freedom and impact your health.
Emotional responses are often associated with negativity or seen as a sign of weakness so we learn to suppress our feelings. On the surface the problem looks resolved but internally we create the pathway to imbalances in the physical body. Those imbalances impact the immune system and can make you vulnerable to diseases. Suppression creates stress that will eventually trigger a need for a physical release from the body. Suppression also often cuts off our communication and connection with others. For me it means putting distance between myself and whomever I no longer feel is a safe outlet. It is not blind agreement that I seek but rather compassion and understanding for what I feel. Spiritual consciousness and emotional intelligence means I have the right to feel how I feel. Even if my response isn’t agreed with.
Suppressing emotions may be a socially-approved…but it may cause negative things to happen that can affect your mental and physical health
Past experiences become a double edge sword even for the spiritually adept. Spiritual freedom allows you to live in the moment yet there is an unconscious part of you always ready to respond to the present moment with past emotions. It takes much practice to stay in the present moment. It takes practice to remember that your current freedom isn’t at risk. Some wounds are harder to heal than others. Awareness and reflection are a part of the healing process.
When faced with an uncomfortable emotional response instead of trying to resolve it, just allow it to happen with no attachment to the outcome. Some family dynamics are hard to explain.